Excerpt from the Introduction of "Between Loss and Forever" Filipino Mothers on the Grief Journey

The celebrated American author and poet, Maya Angelou, once wrote, “There is no greater burden than bearing an untold story inside you."

The death of a child goes against the natural order of the universe and the strangeness of the event is a major stumbling block for the bereaved mother who cannot comprehend why such an event had to take place. The loss of a child shatters every mother’s worldview of a world that is secure, safe and in order. The bereaved mother, on her own, can take no solace in the incomprehensible loss that her child has gone on ahead of her. 

           

Another factor that contributes to the overwhelming sense of grief and the unnaturalness of a child's death is the very nature and manner by which it takes place -- sudden, dramatic, unexpected and untimely. The circumstances often leave the mother shaken to the core, with a greater sense of helplessness and threat.

In losses that result from accidents, genetic or unexplained medical factors, murders and suicide, mothers often take on the additional burden of grief, saddled by various kinds of guilt. It is these losses that prompt enormous efforts by the bereaved mother to find meaning and purpose in her life in order to regain some sense of control and eventually move on, albeit slowly, after the death of a much loved child.

This book attempts to explore and describe how the use of narrative (spoken and written) may be used as a tool to help bereaved mothers grieve and find meaning in the loss of their child.  In the study “Embracing their memory: The construction of accounts” (Harvey, J.H., Carlson, H.R., Huff, T.M., and Green, M.A., 2001), Robert Coles (1989) suggested the rock bottom human capacity of every person is the universal gift of a story -- the power to own and tell a personal story. Living with trauma from years gone by and talking about it, or writing about thoughts and feelings associated with it, can help one get past it (Pennebaker, 1990)

I am a bereaved mother and journalist by profession, and I find the need to look into the search for meaning and what steps the Filipino mother takes as she goes about healing herself while undergoing the various stages of grief.  In the interviews I conducted with other bereaved mothers, I found a common thread that has helped these mothers successfully transition after losing a child. For some it has taken many years, for others, a couple, and for the newly-bereaved, the journey still goes on.

This book was inspired by the steps I undertook on my 13-year journey since the loss of my son, Migi in 1998, and my own interest in the emerging field of Thanatology. The seeds for this book began germinating in my head about a year after Migi died. My great desire to reach out to other bereaved mothers – women now taking the journey that I once set out on without any roadmap is what fueled and inspired me to write this book.

Within these pages you will find stories of mothers who have been on the grief journey from various periods of time.

There is Thelma Arceo who lost her eldest son Ferdie, 21 to the military in the dark ages of Martial Law in Iloilo in 1973. Alice Honasan, whose youngest son Mel, died after a brutal and senseless hazing in 1976. Lissa Ylanan – Moran who lost her infant daughter a few months after EDSA.  Mothers who whose children perished at the prime of their lives in car accidents – Raciel Carlos,  Jo Ann de Larrazabal, Isabel Valles Lovina and Mano Morales; mothers losing adult children to illness like Baby Tiaoqui and Fe Montano, and mothers who lost their children all too suddenly, like Beth Burgos Adan, Aleli Villanueva, Barbara Gordon delos Reyes, Monique Papa Eugenio and Aileen Judan Jiao.  And mothers like Alma Miclat and Vivian dela Pena whose children felt that life was too painful, they chose to end their suffering.

It was important for me to capture the very essence of each mother’s story-telling as they spoke and wrote about their loss.  The breadth of emotions and anguish expressed were impossible to quantify, the experience of listening with one’s mind and heart, of transcribing and writing it all down, was to say the very least, exhausting. No amount of “formulaic” structured questions could grasp the feeling, the emotion, the very core of each mother’s unique grief experience.

It was an unfamiliar road that I suddenly found myself on when my 4-year old son passed away on June 3, 1998. It is my hope that this book be a roadmap of sorts for others who are new on the journey – one that provides hope, comfort and guidance for the long road to healing that lies ahead.

"Between Loss and Forever" will be available at National Bookstore and Powerbooks beginning 23 October 2011