Remembering AJ Perez, Loss of a child in a vehicular accident

Yesterday, I taped for the November 1, 2011 episode of Kris TV.

Among the guests was the father of young actor AJ Perez, who died in a car accident in April this year. His dad was still quite emotional, which is expected of a loss that is still very fresh and very new.  Mr. Perez recalled the last time he told AJ how proud he shortly after he performed in that out of town show, a few hours before the accident. He reminded all parents not to ever be remiss in giving their children affirmation, or hesitate about telling them how much they are loved.

Jo Ann and Albert at the book launch.

I was reminded of several stories in "Between Loss and Forever" of how six mothers lost their children in vehicular accidents.  Such loss can be traumatic and devastating primarily because of the nature and the suddenness of the event.

In the chapter on Complicated Grief: The Accidental Death of a Child, I shared the journey of seven mothers who lost their children either through vehicular or drowning accidents.

Today, I excerpt the story of Jo Ann de Larrazabal and her son, Mikey who passed away three years ago on December 2, 2007 in a car accident at the crack of dawn on the C-5 road...

"In her head and her heart, Jo Ann says she knew that Mikey was gone but she was firm in her resolve to drive, get out of C-5 and follow her husband to the hospital so that she could be with both him and Mikey. She knew that in order to do that, she had to keep her presence of mind.

“I was thinking to myself – “Okay, my son is dead. I was psyching myself. I was driving and I was alone. So I told myself – My son is dead but I have to get to the hospital, to be with Albert, to be with my son. So I said, drive carefully now… It’s a good thing that the ambulance that took him there, came back and escorted me. This was the ambulance of the Pasig city government – they were very efficient, helpful and very kind.”

I got to The Medical City and I was just telling myself, “Calm down, Albert is there with him. I was like in a trance, I just had to keep on moving, I could not break down. So I was thinking, okay Albert is going to need water. So I went to the store and bought a bottle of water, then I just walked, I wasn’t running, I was calm. When I got there, I could see through the door that they were trying to revive him. After several minutes, Albert comes out to me says, “I’m sorry babe, but he’s gone, Mikey’s dead.”

Jo Ann says that after her son had been declared dead, everyone else left the room and Albert and her were left alone.  She said that Albert asked her if she wanted to come into the room to say goodbye and initially she said that she did not want to. For a moment there was great denial that he was truly gone. “But in the same breath I told myself that no, I have to go in because it was the last time I was going to see him.”

The pain of letting go

One of the most difficult things that a parent will ever have to do in their lifetime is to experience the passing on of a child because it goes against the grain and defies the normal order of things.

To release the child and give him back to his Maker is the ultimate sacrifice. For Jo Ann and Albert de Larrazabal, with hearts filled with so much anguish, the act of surrender seemed to have come naturally.

“We went to his body, we held him, we prayed over him. We thanked him for being such a wonderful son. We told him that there were no issues that needed to be fixed, that everything was great with us. And then we thanked God for making us his parents, for choosing us to raise him and then we said, “Go darling, just go with your Maker, go with Him.” And then it was like the natural thing to do. We just had to give him back because we know that he was just on loan to us. Our kids are on loan to us so it was a very natural thing for us to pray and thank Him.

Albert told me much later – “I was glad, I was there when he was born, because all our kids were born through Lamaze. I’m glad that I was there when he was born, and that I was there when he died. I was there in the beginning and at the end.”

Jo Anne says, Albert and she willingly, but with much pain, let him go. Once they had done this, she remembers how they looked at each other and asked themselves --  “What do we do now? What do we do?” She said there was very little time to even cry together.

One thing though was made very clear by Albert, right from the very start, and it was something that he stressed to Jo Ann as they stood in front Mike’s body. Albert said, “There is no one to blame. I want that to be very clear that there shall be no blaming.”  Jo Ann believes that his very short but powerful and reassuring statement set the tone for their grief journey.

“Blaming is a very painful and ugly thing to go through and sometimes prevents you from moving on in your grief.  “I’m not saying I had an easy time. No, I went through hell. But setting the tone very early on, making those right decisions – by giving back our son to the Lord the moment he died, deciding that we will not blame anybody or anything for the accident was a good start for us.”

"Between Loss and Forever" is available at National Bookstore and Powerbooks.